Diary of Rhiannon
by ilovegreen007
Summary: When A leaves, the girl he loves is left only with memories, an aching heart, and the feeling that her life will never be the same. Rhiannon's diary entries; the jotting down of her thoughts as she tries to forget.
1. Chapter 1

This is based on the characters from David Levithan's story _Everyday_. This will be solely from Rihannon's POV. So it won't make much sense unless you've read the book-I'm not sure if you'll love it or you'll hate it, as for me I immediately fell in love with the story- it actually affected me deeply sending me into some minor depression. I guess that's why it stuck with me all this time. I had to get those words down immediately after I read it. This has been saved on my laptop for quite a while from the time before I thought I was any good at this writing thing but I feel-that this story deserves to see the light of day.

* * *

I wake up the next day in Alexander's arms-he's just himself no one else and that it exactly what hurts me deep inside, that even though it's been months since I've heard from you, seen you...I still miss you A.

I'm actually living a good life nowadays and Alexander is exactly the guy I need; he's the great guy you wanted for me, the kind who would treat me just right, engage me in all the right conversations. We share the same interests and he makes me smile and so in many ways he's perfect...but there's just one thing, he's not you, A.

Alexander is the last face I place whenever I think of you. I haven't heard from you and yet I still find myself searching people's eyes looking around for you-for some confirmation that you really did exist, that it wasn't all in my head. I know how hard it must've been for you-I always thought it sucked much more for me cos you were constantly leaving me but I realize now how much you had to give up for me-you gave me the truth. And I actually both loved you and hated you so much for that-for giving me the happiest memories ever, for showing me that I deserved to be loved so much more than I could ever thought to be. You'd think that with how my life has turned out, with all the good things I have going for me... I would-should be happy-but the thing is I'm not 'cos you stay with me A-in my thoughts in my dreams...I just can't let go like you seem to have to.

I constantly browse my email address checking if you gave in and emailed me, even though you promised me peace-exactly what i wanted but i realize now that i can't go back to the Rhiannon i was before-i need to know more to find why of all people you came to me-why you loved me and how someone good like you can't have anything permanent couldn't be deserving enough of happiness. I wanted that with you, to give it to you- i still do.

I feel sorry for Alexander, i mean i do love him, i do-but i love the traces of you i see in him-the kind smile-his passionate speeches little things i have learnt over time about him-but weirdly enough i attribute to you even though you only had his body for that one day-i think i really could've loved him-but the thing is ever since that day that Justin day and every day we shared in between with the many people you'd been i realize just exactly what you meant-i thought that it was the outside part that contributed to me loving you-you told me once to not look at the package but what's inside-i realized how much it did mean to me how much physical appearance influence people's perception of others and after you left me i came to see things a lot differently-Now, I'm just wishing- rather selfishly i might add, that you could take over anyone's body and stay for me-stay as whoever a boy, a girl, anyone just as long as we can be together-just as long as it's you i see staring back at me.

Please A, i need you in my life-I'm hoping wherever you are whatever it is your doing promise me that you find your way back to me-and i promise that when you do i won't let you go.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear A,

I'm tired of feeling like this, feeling like any moment you could choose to return, so here I am just waiting and it's the waiting that is the worst part... I feel like that lady in the time traveller's wife-wait okay technically I would be the time traveller's wife, I'm hoping you'd know the story by Audrey Niffenegger or at least have seen the movie... I'm counting or banking on one of the girl's lives you've had-well I'm Clare to a T except of the one certainty she has that whatever happens her husband will come back to her as himself, as Henry wether he be younger or older he is still himself and even that, I can't have with you.

But i know what she meant- when she said that she had no choice in the matter-that she never had a choice-she could never move on after Henry so effectively ingrained himself into her life-she had no choice whatsoever...she couldn't stop herself even if she tried, even if it pained her she would wait for him, put her life on hold for him, cling to him even when it frustrated her to no end, no matter how lonely she was she would remain loyal to him love him and him alone 


	3. Chapter 3

A,

i don't know why i keep writing to you-i guess i'm hoping that you'd slip give in and email me. Just once. So i know who you are today... how your life is today, What it is you're doing? Sometimes i even get this irrational feeling of jealousy for the people you get to be with for a particular day- the families, the boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, People who get to see you in the everyday mundane activities when you wake in the morning, in the same classroom -they have you for an entire day- someone who is theirs-but who am i to feel that? What claim do i have on you, i'd like to think i still have your heart-and i wholeheartedly believe deep down that you would never give it away to anyone else-i don't even want to consider the possibility that you could be happy with anyone else-i fear one day that you'll find someone-who can put up with your..."circumstances" someone who could be strong when i could not. i love you A. you are the one person who really lived during each day-and you let me take part in it. You've given me the romantic story, the love that everyone craves for yearns for in the deepst darkest recesses of their hearts - more than i could ever find in a lifetime-you gave it to me through the short sparse passing moments we had together-you made everything special-extraordinary.

i'm wondering what'd i do if i couldn't stay here if had to change my body daily-i'm not sure if i could risk getting close to anyone with all the losses it would amount to afterwards-i know how much you gave up-all i know that if today was my last day being myself i'd spend it with my love ones-i'd spend that one day just looking for you if i had to. It hurts to think of our last day together-and yet i cling to it like i cling to everything about you-i may not have a particular face in mind or even a real name to pin you to...but i remember how it felt- how no matter who you became i could always feel our connection...and when you looked at me their was always this intesity behind those eyes- i felt that you could really see me, that you saw right into my soul. And i loved how i was with you,you made me feel like i was enough that i never had to be anyone else but myself. 


	4. Chapter 4

I dreamt of you -I'm not really sure how it worked. I emerged still clinging to the point between dreaming and waking trying to desperately to remember everything but I can't recall specific details- I only remember you talking to me, I mean- it sounded like you or however you sounded to me in my head-but you talked liked you used to... the same certain way unique only to you-I briefly remember a boy... tall, fair hair, bright intelligent green eyes... nice mouth meant for genuine as well as mischievous smiles (I still remember so vividly your little boyish grin) this is how I see you how I believe you really look like at your core.

and when we were together the time slowed down for us-you told me you wanted to stay-like this with me forever.

Is this how it feels to love a ghost, a memory. How do i hold on to something like that-how was it even possible that we shared so much-that i felt such a connection with you-so strong that it allowed me to believe such an impossible story-but every girl in her core wants that mystery that impossibility- forbidden love, something scary almost destructive; Juliet loving Romeo.. Bella a human Edward a vampire, Nora's Patch a fallen angel... with you i had to believe you were who you said you were-each appearance...each moment I was taking a leap of faith, accepting-seeing past what was in front of me...and later on...against my better judgement looking for you always and selfishly wanting and hoping for you to stay.

But like that dream-all I have now are mere traces, fragments of you...memories...a promise, a possibility-this entire story that we could've had...could've shared...I wish I could stay in that dream with you there forever, relive each moment we were together...but the waking up is inevitable and I have to try and live on without you beside me.


End file.
